


this is gonna take me down

by shipatfirstsight



Category: Sanditon (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fix-It, POV Alternating, Reconciliation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-07
Updated: 2019-11-07
Packaged: 2021-01-25 03:47:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21349732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shipatfirstsight/pseuds/shipatfirstsight
Summary: Come stay with me, Esther’s letter said without any preamble, and Charlotte had to laugh. Babington has some business, and I do not relish the thought of being left alone in a house full of servants in a city full of people I do not care for.Charlotte accepts an invitation to London.
Relationships: Charlotte Heywood/Sidney Parker
Comments: 7
Kudos: 195





	this is gonna take me down

**Author's Note:**

> Just a reconciliation fic cause I needed to get this out after that last episode.

The letter arrived on a sunny day. Charlotte wished for rain--it was an unseasonably dry autumn, and she wished for the normal dreary weather to match her mood in more maudlin moments. The signature on the bottom of the letter, _ Mrs E Campion, _ made her wish for a thunderstorm. 

She had to fortify herself to read the letter, faking a smile and going about the rest of her day so her family wouldn’t make any more comments than they had when she’d first returned. 

“I told you to be careful,” was all her father had offered on the matter, and any time she let her heartbreak come through. 

She waited until night to peel the letter back open, barely comprehending anything of the small pleasantries Mrs Campion had shared. Her eyes caught on one of the closing sentences, reading them over and over.

_ We do so hope you’ll be able to join the family in London. The children seem to quite miss their playmate. _

The words tore through Charlotte. Mrs Campion obviously felt secure enough in her position to consider herself a member of the Parker family. And there was Charlotte, relegated to either fellow child or child minder.

She did not reply to the letter.

* * *

_ Come stay with me_, Esther’s letter said without any preamble, and Charlotte had to laugh. _ Babington has some business, and I do not relish the thought of being left alone in a house full of servants in a city full of people I do not care for. _

The Babington coach arrived for her with due haste, and soon she found herself at the Babington’s London home, both the Lord and Lady there to greet her. She was surprised when Esther took her into her arms, but tried not to let it show. 

Later, she ignored the amorous goodbye between the couple, half from embarrassment and half from the pain of seeing two people so obviously in love with each other. 

“I’ll be back soon, my dear,” Babington called as he strode to the door, bowing briefly to Charlotte. “Miss Heywood.”

Esther turned to her, and Charlotte noted that the woman was unable to hide either her happiness or the sadness from her parting with her husband. “Come, distract me while I comfort myself with the knowledge that he will be back in a week.”

They went into a drawing room, waiting while the servants brought in tea. “What would you like me to distract you with, my lady?”

She rolled her eyes, “Esther, please. In all truth, I’d hoped you could shed light on Sidney Parker and that awful woman he’s attached himself too.”

“Esther!” Charlotte gasped in laughing shock. 

“You know it’s true. Babington was quite confused when Sidney told him of his engagement, and then refused to explain anything about it. My husband was quite certain that Sidney would make an offer to you.”

All the laughter drained out of Charlotte, and she suddenly found herself fighting back tears that had become all too common in the months since her had told her that he had engaged himself to Mrs Campion. Esther moved closer to her, and Charlotte took strength from the comfort the woman was able to give. The quiet understanding. So she told her everything, right up until, “And then she sent me a letter, describing their wedding plans and the London weather. Then she told me I should join ‘the family’ in London because the children missed their playmate.”

Esther _ tsked _softly. “I’m forced to repeat something I told you when we first met. I think I would quite enjoy poisoning that woman as well.”

Charlotte laughed wetly, though Esther looked just as serious now as she’d looked when she’d threatened the same fate for Clara. 

Rising swiftly, Esther rang the bell. “Come. We’ll find you a man to distract you from him and his odious fiancé. And maybe,” this was spoken softer, gentler, than anything she’d ever heard from Esther, “you’ll find someone who loves you better and truer, and you’ll find yourself glad he broke your heart.”

“Is that what happened with you?”

Esther took a minute to answer. “Yes. And no. I don’t think I understood what real love was before Babington. Nothing I’ve ever felt compares to how I feel for him now, and the way he feels for me—-it surprises me at every turn. He seems to—-to love me more with every day when I always expect it to diminish.” 

“You both seem quite happy. I’m glad.”

Esther gifted her with a rare smile. “We are. And someday, you will be too.”

* * *

Esther was a...formidable escort, but Charlotte found herself glad for her acerbic wit. It was comforting in its own way. Of course, Charlotte also made sure to see Lady Susan and Georgiana, but in the end she found Esther’s company the best for her mood. Susan’s kind sympathy only served to make her sadder, and Georgiana, while understanding as Esther was, couldn’t resist telling Charlotte that, “I did warn you about him,” which was cold comfort indeed. Though, none of the three women much liked Mrs Campion, and it gave her a horrible sort of pleasure to hear them all disparage her for different reasons. 

“That woman is worse than ten Sidney’s,” was Georgiana’s pronouncement when she came to visit the Babington home. before launching into the argument she’d overheard between Sidney and his fiancé. “She wanted to send me to some school in Switzerland, Charlotte. Switzerland! Sidney actually raised his voice to her. He told her that I was his ward, and his responsibility, and he wouldn’t be shipping me anywhere I didn’t want to go. Of course, he had me shipped here, first to England and then to Sanditon and then back to London, which I made sure to point out to him after she was gone, but...well, I’m glad that this time he’s not trying to conveniently get rid of me.”

Georgiana’s story gave Charlotte a sad pleasure. He was trying with his ward, at least. It was a low bar, to be certain, but she still felt proud of him before brushing the feeling aside. He was not hers to feel proud of any more, if he ever really had been.

Charlotte dreaded seeing anyone else. She didn’t want to see the children, Mary, Tom, Eliza Campion, or Sidney. Charlotte knew she could survive most things, but the thought of seeing Sidney again, or of seeing him with the woman he was soon to marry. She was regretting coming to the city where he lived, but Esther, Georgiana, and Lady Susan seemed to be making sure that they did not end up at the same events by some unspoken agreement.

She was going to enjoy her time in London. And she was not going to think about the wedding that was fast approaching.

* * *

He wasn’t supposed to be at this ball. Eliza had wanted to go somewhere else, somewhere with her group of friends, and he found he didn’t care where he went anymore. Anything to keep himself from getting on a horse and riding to a house he’d never seen. To a woman he probably wouldn’t ever see again. 

Then Tom had asked him in his typical way to come to this ball.

“Get them to come to Sanditon!” 

Sidney thought he might kill the next person to name that town to him.

And there she was, looking like a vision from his dreams. She was wearing a white frothy thing, and for a moment he thought he was back at that first ball. But no, this was London and _ why the hell was she here _. 

He felt eyes on him and followed the gaze to Lady Esther Babington, whose look had the potential to make him turn on his heels and never show himself before her again. Instead, he nodded cordially to his friend’s wife. And his ward, who he finally noticed standing beside Esther, glaring at him in equal measure, along with Lady Susan. 

What fierce defenders his Charlotte had!

_ Not yours, never yours you stupid prick, get that through your head _.

Still, he turned to look back at the subject of his dreams. She was smiling, laughing up at a man. He towered over her, but Sidney’s heart clenched to see the normally taciturn Lord Towbridge looking down at his waltzing partner with a smile and a look of utter enchantment. Sidney swallowed, averting his gaze and clenching his fists. He couldn’t stop his eyes from returning to her, though, drinking her in. The sight of her, when he’d thought he would never get to see her again—-he would cherish it.

He found himself almost unconsciously tracking their path through the ballroom, avoiding the three fierce protectors at the same time. And when the smiling lord led a breathless Charlotte out onto a balcony, Sidney followed, pressing himself into the shadows. To protect her, if she needed it, he reassured himself. 

“I’ll fetch you a drink,” the man said, striding back into the ballroom, conveniently closing the doors behind him.

Still, the more Sidney had watched the pair of them, jealous and aching, the angrier he became. He knew he had no right to be hurt by the display, but he’d never been able to guard his tongue or his heart around her. At least, he would remember later, he’d waited for Lord Towbridge to walk away. “You really shouldn’t follow strange men out onto balconies alone.”

He watched her shoulders stiffen, all the loose joy leaving her body in an instant. She made no move to face him, though. “Lord Towbridge isn’t a strange man. He was introduced to me some days ago, and he’s called on me twice.” 

That hurt. “I didn’t think you would be inconstant, Charlotte.”

She whirled on him finally, righteous anger flashing in her eyes. He didn’t know who approached who, just knew that suddenly they were toe to toe. “You accuse me of inconstancy, sir? Did you expect me to wait alone for you for ten years because that is what you did for _ her _? I am not you, Mr. Parker. I deserve happiness. I deserve someone who chooses me. You chose--you chose her. No— don’t,” she said when he tried to interrupt, “I know you chose her for your family. I know you chose your family. It hurts me that you didn’t, that you couldn’t choose me. But do not begrudge me choosing to move on.”

“Charlotte,” he paused, a dying man’s gasp to his own ears, “can you move on? Did we mean so little? Did I mean so little to you?”

“It was barely anything, Mr. Parker. You have the woman you always wanted. Our brief,” here she waved a hand in the air, unable and unwilling to define what they had been, “amiability _ can’t _mean anything if we are to have any happiness for the rest of our lives. You are unfair to me, expecting me to what? Carry a torch for you for the small chance that she might suffer the same fate as her late husband? I will not do it.”

“Charlotte, that’s not what I meant. It’s so soon, to see you talking and laughing with another man, to see you looking at him like you so briefly looked at me, it is like a, a knife to my—” 

“Oh!” she ground out, interrupting him. “You. Are. Engaged. To another woman! You will marry her and b-bed her and maybe have children with her!”

“I told you I do not love her!”

“So? What has that to do with me? You will be married to her in a month, Mr. Parker. It has been five months! If I want to smile and flirt with a man, if I want to try to be happy and find someone to be happy with that is no concern of yours.”

“Damn it!” He clasped her arms in his hands, drawing her nearer. “Don’t you understand? I love _ you_. You will always be my concern.” The words had grown thicker as he went along, tears he cannot seem to shed clogging his throat.

“But I won’t!” she cried, tearing herself away from him. “Mr. Parker, you will be _ her _ husband. I can’t matter to you. Please, _ please_, if you feel anything for me you need to forget me. Let me go.”

“I can’t.”

“You must”

“Why?”

“It hurts! It hurts too much to see you and hear you, and for you to act like you have any right to dictate who I talk to. It hurts to have you say these things and know that you still must choose her. How do you not understand that?”

“I do—”

“You don’t! You did to me what she did to you. Please, leave me alone.” She didn’t stop to give him the option to obey her wishes, though, striding away, leaving him alone once more.

“You could have asked me to stay!” burst out of him before he could stop it, trailing after her, though she didn’t turn back around to face him. He hadn’t realised that he was angry about that, about all the opportunities she’d had to ask him to choose her. 

“I would not have done that to your family--not to Mary or the children, or even Tom. I would not have made you make that choice. And if you think that I could have been so selfish to put my own desires above all of that, you never knew me at all.” 

Speechless this time, he could only watch her leave, trailing a ways behind her. Then, he could only watch in pained resignation as she pasted a fake smile on her face once more when she rejoined the company. He had done this to her, to his sweet, fiery Charlotte, who was not really his and could never be.

* * *

Wedding plans for a wedding he did not want were beyond his power to concentrate on, more-so in the wake of his meeting with Charlotte. He hated that this would be their last meeting now, something full of anger and true recriminations of him. Eliza, sat in the Parker home two days later, only made him feel worse, for his disloyalty to both women. 

“You’ll see to the repairs on your country house?” Her question cut through his inner musings. “I can’t focus on the wedding and that, and I would like to spend our first weeks as a married couple there instead of in London, since you are so opposed to an actual trip.”

He found himself sighing as he often did at things she said. “You’ll have to release some funds to me. I don’t have the blunt to repair it, and I doubt the banks will lend me any.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t worry about that. It was easy to get them not to lend you any money, it shouldn’t be difficult to get them to do so.” 

“What did you do?” he asked quietly, as horrible suspicion filled him.

Eliza stiffened, but smiled at him anyway. “Really, Sidney, I would have thought you would have realised. My husband was a banker after all. It was fairly easy to convince all those banks not to lend you or your family any more money when they were his friends.”

Gaping at her, he strangled out, “Why?”

“Why? Oh Sidney,” she laughed, pressing a hand to her lips. “You seemed so reluctant to see me again after the regatta. You wouldn’t come to London with me. I decided to ensure that you would...need me if anything arose. And it did. It’s all for the best, darling. You’re so stubborn, I knew once you decided we shouldn’t see each other again, it would be so, unless I could make arrangements.”

Sidney grabbed for his cravat, loosening it in hopes that the feeling of being choked would disappear. Breathing heavily, he leapt to his feet, pacing back and forth. 

“Sidney, really! We would have ended up together eventually, I just sped things along.”

He spun, facing her. Still seated, still wearing that pleased, victorious expression. He pictured Charlotte as he had last seen her, sad and wan and defeated, because of this woman’s machinations. And he sighed again. “We wouldn’t have ended up together, Eliza, and I think you knew that.”

Her expression fell, finally, ice and anger replacing her pleasure. “Why not? You waited for me for ten years.”

He was already shaking his head before she finished her sentence. “I didn’t. I hated all women, I swore to be alone. I wasn’t waiting for you.”

“You were happy to see me again in London! What changed?”

“I was happy to see you. I thought—” he sighed, rubbing a hand over his brow. “You deserve my honesty. And I think I deserve yours. I was falling in love and it made me...vulnerable to you. I didn’t think she could feel the same way about me, and it startled me to see you when I had finally opened my heart again. I wanted to be the man I was before you broke my heart because I thought she could love _ that _ man. And I used you, Eliza, to my shame. I thought if I could forgive you I _ could _be that man again. I gave you false hope, when I wanted her.”

“That girl,” she bit out, “_Miss Haywood _.”

“Yes.”

He watched as her shoulders slumped. “I knew that. I’d spent so long so glad you hadn’t married someone else. It was so romantic, I thought. So grand that _ I’d _made such an impression on you. And then I saw you at the ball, smiling at her. You never looked at me that way, Sidney. And I wanted you back for myself.”

He nodded.

She stood, coming toward him. “Can there be nothing for us? _ Sidney_, I shouldn’t have let you go.”

He took her hands. “But you did. That choice shaped us. We might have been happy together then, or we might both have come to regret out union. Neither of us are the people we were ten years ago, even if we have both wished to be at different times. _ We are not those people _.”

“Can you not love me anymore?”

He shook his head softly. “I’m sorry, Eliza. I--I love Charlotte. She probably won’t have me after this, but I love her now, and I—”

“I understand.” She breathed deep, taking her hands out from his. “I shouldn’t have tried to--to win you this way. You’re right, I wanted to be who I was before my marriage. I don’t--I don’t love you anymore either. I’d spent so long feeling guilty for what I’d done, and I so wanted to win that I...I didn’t care for either of our feelings.”

Hope, for the first time in months filled him. “What are you saying?”

“We can’t marry, Sidney. I think we both know that. I will still invest in Sanditon, and I will talk to Mr Campion's friends.”

Sidney allowed his eyes to close briefly. “Thank you.”

“Is this it then?” 

“I don’t know. I don’t appreciate what you did to win me, if only for—”

“For Charlotte.”

“Yes. I will not hurt you with any more details of our relationship, but the thought of what our decisions have done to her—”

“Apologise to her for me, Sidney.”

“If she lets me speak to her and make my case I will.”

Hurt flashed in her eyes, and he felt a twinge of regret, before she covered the expression. “You plan to go to her then.” It was not a question. “To what end? Tell me, Sidney, so I will know.”

“I was going to propose before the fire. I was going to propose when I got back from London. She--I believe she had expectations of me that were not unfounded. If she will let me renew my suit--” 

“You should go to her soon.” She swallowed, hesitated. “I heard that Lord Towbridge is quite taken and plans to propose despite the brevity of their acquaintance. If he does and she agrees…” she trailed off, but he understood the implications even as a stronger pain filled him.

“Thank you, Eliza.” He moved to leave the room, but paused to look back at her one more time. “I hope that someday you find someone to love. Someone who loves you.”

Eliza visibly shook herself, smiling at him briefly. “I would settle for a title.”

He laughed as he left, his heart feeling light.

* * *

“I sense, Miss Heywood, that a sedate carriage ride through Hyde Park is not quite your style,” a smiling Lord Towbridge teased her.

She laughed easily. Really, the man was quite nice, and so different from...other men. “I wouldn’t mind if we could go faster, my lord, but I find the company makes up for the lack of speed.” She was gratified by the answering smile he sent her. 

“You are sweet, Miss Heywood,” they went on for a while before he continued, “a treasure, really.”

_ Oh no_, she thought. She hadn’t meant—-they’d known each other for only a week. Lord Babington had just returned. She would be going home soon, though neither of her hosts had made any mention of when that would be happening, and when she’d tried to bring it up, Esther had changed the subject. Still, she didn’t want to encourage Lord Towbridge. Or did she? He was perfectly nice. Maybe, one day…

“Ah,” his small noise interrupted her inner turmoil and she turned a questioning glance to him. “You love someone else.”

“My lord—-”

“You don’t need to prevaricate with me, Miss Heywood. I was in love once myself. I recognize the signs of pain.”

Sympathy flooded her. “If you want to speak of it...”

He shook his head. “It’s in the past, for me. I would guess it is not yet for you.”

“He will be married in three weeks.”

“Ah,” he said again. “Then my suit would be—”

“Too soon to be fair to either of us,” she said, in gentle firmness. 

He nodded, smiling at her again. “Shall we continue our drive?”

She laughed, lightly. “Of course, my lord.”

* * *

Sidney paced the Babington’s sitting room, trying to ignore the laughing glances of the room’s other occupants. Charlotte was _ out _ with that man. _ Lord,_ his mind taunted him_, he’s a lord with a title and he hasn’t abandoned her to engage himself to another woman and she had been smiling and laughing at him _. 

Georgina scoffed at him. Esther rolled her eyes at him every time he chanced to glance her way. Lady Susan had an annoyingly knowing look in here eye, and Babington seemed to be taking great pleasure from the entire proceedings.

He wasn’t entirely sure Crowe understood what was going on, so there was neither help or further insult to be found with him.

* * *

Charlotte, breathless and laughing on Lord Towbridge’s arm came to a stop when she saw Sidney in the drawing room, drinking her in. The smile slipped off her face, and she tried to remove her arm from Towbridge’s. He squeezed her hand with his free one, whispering to her, “Not yet, my dear.”

She looked up at him questioningly, then back to Sidney, who looked ready to tear her away from Towbridge. She kept her arm where it was until he guided her to a seat. He sat beside her, smiling at the room at large. “Lovely to see you all again,” the smile dropped, and he nodded at Sidney. “Parker.”

“Towbridge.”

“Oh dear lord, not more of this,” Crowe murmured. “Miss Lambe, perhaps you’d like to escape this dreary company and take a walk with me in the garden?”

No one spoke as the pair left, Lady Susan trailing behind after a sympathetic glance at Charlotte. Esther and Babington remained, smiling where they were. Sidney glared at first his friend, then Esther, then finally Towbridge, but no one moved. 

“Did you have a pleasant ride, Charlotte?” Esther asked, with far too much innocence, for her at least.

Charlotte smiled stiffly. “Yes, Lord Towbridge was a perfect companion.”

“How could I not be, with such a wonderful lady for company?”

She graced him with another smile. “My lord, you are too kind.”

“Everyone enjoys your company, Charlotte,” Sidney cut in.

“My, you are familiar with Miss Heywood. For an engaged man,” Towbridge taunted, ignoring Charlotte’s surprised look. She’d known he’d _ known _ when they’d walked in to find Sidney standing there, but she hadn’t expected _ this _from a man she’d known for a week. He was defending her, even knowing that Sidney was the man she loved. Really, she hoped the man found someone to love himself soon, because he deserved it. 

“My engagement has ended,” Sidney bit out. 

At that, her eyes shot to his. “What?” she breathed.

His eyes didn’t leave hers. “Charlotte and I have some unfinished business. May we have a moment.”

Charlotte barely noticed the others leaving the room, swiftly after his surprising pronouncements. He took the seat Towbridge had vacated, gently taking one of her hands with his, waiting for her to look at him. “Mrs Campion and I had an interesting conversation today. We decided it would be best for both of us if we did not marry.”

She swallowed, licking her lips, fighting the tears she felt burn her eyes. “You are free?”

“Yes,” he breathed, bringing his free hand to cup her face, his thumb softly wiping a tear that had escaped away. “Tom and Sanditon will be fine, and I won’t make a huge mistake.”

Relief made her laugh, and he moved closer to her. “You are not engaged?” 

“No, I am quite free as well.”

He nodded, solemnly. “I’m not going to propose to you on the day my engagement ended. But I am going to court you properly, with your leave. And when I propose, I hope you will accept and that we will be able to spend the rest of our lives together.”

A sob escaped her throat as she nodded. “Yes, please.”

He tugged her closer, gathering her in his arms. She felt his lips press against her hair, his arms wrapped around her, and she sagged into him. “Sidney,” she said, pulling back slightly, desperately, to look him in the eye. “I never told you—-I love you.”

His whole body seemed to lighten, a smile making his eyes crinkle attractively. “That is a relief.”

Her eyes fell to his lips, and for the first time in months she let herself remember what it had felt like when they’d kiss. She was pleased to see his eyes darken in response. 

“It might have to be a short courtship,” he murmured before he took her lips with his. Several bliss filled moments passed before he pulled away, “and an even shorter engagement.”

“You will not propose to me today Sidney Parker,” she ordered, kissing him again. He nodded, kissing her once more, until he pulled away. “You can ask me tomorrow.”

Sidney and Charlotte’s joined laughter echoed to where their friends waited outside the room, making them smile in response.

* * *

It rained on their wedding day and Charlotte didn’t care. She couldn’t stop smiling, not at her groom, whose expression competed with hers for sheer, unabashed happiness.


End file.
